It's Ok to Be Sad Sometimes

Really it is ok to be sad or angry sometimes at circumstances beyond your control. I'm coming to grips with that these days. Everyone wants to flip a wonder drug in your direction to "cure" the depression or to "help you along through this rough time" as they see it. What many of them don't understand, is that those tears are not signs of giving up, but are more like sign posts to a renewed me on it's way outside. I would never just "give up", that's not my style. It really isn't. Sure I get bummed & feel defeated at times, but those are just obstacles that I'm overcoming. I'll be "me" again. One day, just not right now. I wish I was. Lord do I wish I was me. It would be nice. But it's amazing what a stroke does to the human body! It takes away more than your physical being, it attacks your emotional & mental being as well. Where once I was so strong physically, now I feel like a former shell of myself. I have a nephew I can't pick up in my arms & a new niece or nephew on the way that my over protective sisterin-law won't feel comfortable letting the "weak" person hold her baby when it comes. So it could be a year or two before I'll get the chance to cradle my own flesh & blood in my arms. It's not her fault, she's just hard wired to be over protective. So yeah, it's ok to be sad sometimes. Now I worry about this new bout with surgery coming my way. My dad's theory is that a day or two after the procedure I'll be right back in the office! Let's see, last time his prediction of my surgery was 1 week out of work & was so wrong! I woke up completely paralyzed on my left side! Geeesh, we'd better not allow my dad to make predictions anymore! He'll kill me for the love of God! I am angry though. I'm angry at all that has been taking from me these last 5-6 months. Everyone treats me with kid gloves & I have limits now. I can't travel far & I have to call when I get somewhere or get home! It's like I'm 16 again & just got my driver's license! No one seems to understand that there is this rage building inside me. Rage at feeling that I am less than I was. My mom says my cognitive "me" is there. Yup & it' locked inside this body that no longer works like it used to, responds like it did. She says I'll get it back. My question is when? I'm enough of a complusive clock watcher & a creature of habit, that I need a time frame to judge myself by. I'm sick of this though. The weakness & the pain, and especially the tears. The tears when no one is looking & the constant simmering anger & frustration below this false veneer of "self". Hell, how can I feel human or normal when I have to check to make sure I haven't drooled out of the left side of my mouth? Hell, I'm only 34 & it's like that. So yeah, it's ok to be sad sometimes.