I Want A Pony

Seriously now, I want a pony. Or a double action pump red ryder bb gun, or better yet an MPK .380 semi automatic... oh wait I have one of those. Ok, how about a Ruger P series 9mm with the blue & stainless finish? But I digress. World peace would be nice but it's just not going to happen anytime soon. My gun locker will be completely filled before world peace is brought to the table & I WILL have a pony damnit! I wouldn't mind having unlimited use of my left side in exchange for a pony though. Ok ok, that is something that MAY come in time as all of my various therapists tell me. Screw them. How about the ability to completely control my breathing? I'm getting better at it though. I used to be a smoker, 20 years worth at about a pack a day averages me out to about oh... 20 pack years. I was always able to control my breathing & quite active in sports/diving/ exercising & I NEVER ran out of breath. Good thing too, because I enjoyed a longer bottom time using nitrox to dive while lobster hunting. But since the stroke, damn. I'm having to regain control over the left side of my lungs. I was on a ventilator while in a coma& then on breathing treatments when I woke up while still in the hospital. WhenI switched to the therapy center, my best friend Jeff came to visit me & sat with me one evening & we had a long discussion in regards to my inability to stay winded. Ok, he mostly talked while I listened, because that's a problem for some stroke survivors, the ability to always remember to inhale. Funny huh? I worked through it and when I got home & back to work, I practiced & used the pulmonary equipment I have here in my office to retrain myself to breathe. Always to breathe. I still forget at times when I get carried away though in a conversation & I run out of breath. Youd think that it would be a somewhat gentle reminder....hey dumbass....you need to take a breath here... you're turning blue in the face. But nope. I breathe too shallow at times which is the problem. Noooo, it's not from secretly hitting the sauce like a certain young friend of mine is fond of informing me. It's because I gotta remind myself at times: deep breath. My chest starts to hurt when I forget. That's usually my first indication that I'm not getting enough air into my lungs & then I get a little raspy & then a small headache from it. I also tend to get a little high pitched & forced towards the end of my sentences. Usually when I'm with my mom or my husband &I start sounding like that, they tell me to "breathe honey, stop & take a breath. you don't have to finish the entire statement right away." Hey, I'm from Connecticut, we talk fast! I'd trade it all in an instant for.....well...... you know. Nothing like feeling like you can't take care of yourself. It's huniliating at times, to be unable to cut up your own food in restaurants, fix your hair, tie your own shoes, zip up your own jacket. My former mother-in-law has had four strokes since my one. She can walk-ok shuffle & she has complete use of her hands. That witch lost her voice-there is a blessing in that, trust me! But she's gotten uber mean from what I hear. I visited her one time in the hospital & saw my youngest former sister-in-law for the first time since the divorce. My ex MIL is weak, & an enabler. She is still mean although thankfully, she's practically mute. But that witch has full control of her digits. I'm envious of her. Screw it, I want a pony. I promise to walk it & love it & brush it & feed it every day! Deep breathes my dear, just breathe. Here comes my personal mantra: It gets better, breathe, it gets better, you'll get better, breathe, you'll get it back, think positive you know what? It still sucks, but I digress. :)