I'm Going Straight To Hell

I'm going straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00, just get my ass into the hot place for all eternity. I kid you not. I guess I need to explain why I'll be wearing 3000 SPF for my next 3 lifetimes but first, let me say this: my husband is a wonderful guy. I also am grateful that the man does not read this blog or I'd be vacationing in hell for more than 3 lifetimes. Way more. Let me also add that my husband is extremely easy to embarrass. OMG is he ever! It's like shooting fish in a barrel, stealing candy from a baby, rolling drunks in the street. With that in mind, let me tell you why I'm now on the express track to the furnace. We went to Walmart the other day. We passed by our regular grocery establishment when he remembered that we needed items for the week so we veered in to our local 24 hour Supercenter. We picked up the necessities of food & pet items when he remembered that we were also almost out of condoms. Shock! Horror! Now my darling dear hubby will NEVER buy them in a store. EVER! He can't do it. If we need them, I buy them-when I'm alone. He won't have them in our shared grocery cart. He usually buys them online-discreetly. You see where this is going in regards to his pride? I can't take birth control because of the hormone/estrogen levels in pills because I had a stroke and even though he's had a son & does not want any more children-he won't get a vasectomy. Well, I had been discussing another form of control method to catch any loose strays so to speak. Vaginal Contraceptive Film. I wanted to try it. Foam is messy & he says the gel kind of burns sooooo, film it is! I put a box of VCF in our cart (white box with pink & blue lettering on it) & he proceeds to place a bag of cat food over it so no one will see it! This is a man that refuses to allow feminine products in the cart when we shop together, or he'll hide them behind other items. I roll my eyes & off we go to finish up our shopping. While we are in the electronics department & he is browsing the shelves for some esoteric geek object, I decide to read the VCF box as I'm waiting for him. I'm standing there in plain sight for all & glory to see what I'm doing because folks, I'm 35 years old & have been buying feminine products since I was 13 so very little embarrasses me, if anything at all. Even a loud fart in church by yours truly just blows over (no pun intended). I hear "oh hell no" and suddenly the box is snatched out of my hand & tossed in the cart as I'm hustled out of that department.At this point I stop dead & drag my heals. When h looks at me I ask him-Don't you think it would attest to your virility that I need to protect myself from your fucking little swimmers? I honestly thought he was going to drop dead right there. I also said-it's not like I was reading the instructions out loud to you & everyone in the fucking electronics department!(I tend to swear when I get a wee bit irate-it's my Connecticut upbringing) I am no longer allowed to take things out of the cart to read them so nonchalantly in public nor am I allowed to even buy the stuff when he is present. Ya gotta love the man but he is a little bashful on soethings. I dare not ever ask him to buy me a box of tampons-even if I was bleeding to death & desperately needed one to survive. He would hemorrhage himself in anxiety fits. He says I am not allowed to discuss this with my mother-who by the way about pissed herself when I told her, nor am I allowed to share this with any of my friends!ok, so I don't know any of you personally do I?