You'll go blind & your palms will grow hair!

My 9-year old stepson has started discovering himself lately. I know this is just the start of the whole "self-exploration" era of his approaching teenage years. And I 'm OK with that. My husband on the other hand isn't quite sure how to deal with the situation. He doesn't know when the right time will occur for him to have..."THE TALK". Yes I'm rolling my eyes over this one. I've run the gamut of experiences having 11 god children ranging in age from 16 to 3. Plus being an "auntie" to several of my friends kids, and a previous stepdaughter (who is even now at 14 years of age looking to far surpass her biological mother in hoochie clothes & rule breaking). But my wonderful, smart, creative, funny husband is stymied. He came to me the other night to tell me he walked in on Little Man while he was in the bathtub. Here I am facing my 37-year old husband as he sits on the end of the bed to tell me something. "Babe, I just don't believe it.....he was laying in the tub flicking his....his.... parts in the water & staring at it since it was a little....erect." My husband tends to get a little shy & formal sounding when he thinks he's delving in to the personal MAN territory. Absolutely deadpan I answer him: Did you tell him to use soap while he's doing that so he doesn't flick it raw & so it's clean at the same time? I honestly thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head at that comment! I caught his reflection in the mirror as I was saying it to him. He starts spluttering and turning a little red in the face. "OMG! Honey! It's not funny!" I personally thought it was hilarious to be honest with you, but then I'm a little jaded. I asked him if he wanted me to go & have a talk with Junior about the whole situation. I think hubby was going to choke to death as he starts gurgling. Well, it's not like I fumbled the ball when he asked what a condom was! Hubby turned purple at the reminder of that one. (Junior saw a Trojan commercial a few months ago & asked what a condom was. Hubby was terrified to answer him so I offered to. hubby was even more terrified of what I was going to say! I told Junior it was something worn between a man & woman when they are intimate to prevent babies. End of story. If we hadn't answered him, he would have hounded EVERYONE for a resolution until he asked the wrong person...namely my father-in-law who's head WOULD have exploded-not such a bad idea actually. Hubby was quite impressed with how I handled it. Geesh, this ain't my first rodeo ya know!) Jeff is still a little worried at this point of what I am going to say to his progeny-product of his loins & a she-devil. I started walking out of the room & tossed a comment over my shoulder to him: I'll telll him that if he does that too often, especially without lube, he'll go blind & his palms will grow hair. I can still hear the strangling noises even now that my poor husband was making as I shut the door. Have I talked with Little Man yet? No, I'm giving his father the chance to step up to the plate & give it a try. But we're going to the grocery store tonight & I'll let hubby see me put a personal lubricant product in the cart & when he asks why in the holy hell I'm trying to embarrass him (remember hubby is extremely shy about some things- read this one & you'll understand why), I'll tell him it's for Little Man so he doesn't hurt himself. And then I'll stand back & wait for the sparks to fly!