Depressive moments

It's true when the medical & psych books talk about slight confusion being a form of mild depression, or depressive moments in a person's life. It's also true that laughter can be the best medicine at times.Endorphins are the body's natural "drugs" kicking in to lift your spirits so to speak. It's when the laughter stops & the endorphins subside, that the confusion & unhappiness can creep back in, like shadowy thieves on silent feet. It's not a big thing & it's less & less these days. But it's there to greet the inner self at certain times throughout the day. There is no actual cure for this, except to become whole again. Anything less is unacceptable. The words: but you're alive, you're here, your brain works, your mind thinks are no longer enough to curb the returning tide of malcontent within. The desire to stretch wings & fly, dance among the water reeds, swim with the manatees, or run all the fingers through sets of notes, hold fragile items within the palms & actually feel them. To create again, to be strong again, to be whole again, now. Not two years from now or possibly never, entirely unacceptable & unbearable to consider as part of the possible future. It's not even a question of accepting what has happened to bring this about. A form of acceptance has occurred, regrets have been displaced by anger, unhappiness at what can no longer be done alone, some confusion as to why now, why me. Mostly just unhappiness at the injustice of it all. Medication is not considered & fought at every turn as it is not a "cure" and in some cases a cause. A need to believe that this is not forever, the hope that it isn't when others are getting better & yet deep down, the hurtful realization that maybe, just maybe, this is it, all there will be.

Not Something I Remember

My husband took this picture September 20, 2005. I don't remember it. I was in a coma lying there in this picture. I'm glad I don't remember this picture being taken. This is what happens sometimes when you have a stroke after having a brain tumor removed. I remember the constant pain though those first couple of weeks-Lordy I wish I didn't remember that either! I was 33 years old at the time. Active, vibrant, full of laughter, full of life. When I realized what happened, which actually wasn't till days later, I wished I was dead. I woke up to confusion, pain, & the inability to move my entire left side-I just didn't realize that at first. People that suffer from strokes tend to over look the fact that they can't move one side of their body, and boy did I overlook a great deal the first couple of days! Until I tried to really do something on my own. Then what they told me started to sink in: I HAD A STROKE. I think at the time I was still on so many drugs though that the full implication of it was not getting through to me. I knew what a stroke was, I knew I couldn't move, but I didn't believe that ME, that I had it. Naaaaaaaaaah, that was someone else. I would get better I just knew it. The first brain tumor operation in 94 made me weak & I was in bed for almost a week before I could move so this one couldn't be any different. That was the bacterial meningitis & the high fevers talking through me there. I was clueless. I kept thinking that given more time, I would snap out if it! It wasn't till I was moved to Sea Pines & I was completely off the heavy stuff by the first full day there, that a tech said: nope girlie, you're paralyzed & from the looks of it, it could be forever. When the doctor came in that morning for an evaluation with me, he knew he couldn't pull the wool over my eyes or hide the truth from me. he said that it would be a hard process but that I was young & could get it back-somewhat if I really tried. But that he didn't know when or how long it would take, or if I ever would really get out of a wheelchair. He said that I was so weak on the left side that my leg muscles had already started atrophiing in 3 weeks time. That really sucked to hear. At least he didn't sugar coat it with me. That is something I would never respect from a doctor, a lie or sugar coating. I work in the medical field so it's not an easy thing to accomplish in my opinion. It's been 1 year, 4 months, & 12 days since my stroke. Most of my hair has grown back on the right side. I can walk, badly, but I do it. I trip a lot & my left leg has a mind of it's own at times. My foot turns under & doesn't support me correctly damnit. My arm tends to shake like a palsied cheese grater on crack and I can barely lift my left arm over my head. I can open & close my hand but I can't tie laces or open cracker packets or pick coins up. At least I no longer wish I was dead and I only cry to myself in a pity party of frustration maybe two times a week instead four to five times a day like Iused to at first in sheer depression. Let's see where I'm at by my strokeversary year #2. I have some hope deep down inside.